Loyalty that Hinders


Family *

All of us live in family systems. We are born into a family and grow up in one. And that’s where we learn the rules of our family system, even if they are never spoken aloud. Little kids have no way to compare family systems, so at that age, we generally accept everything our parents do and believe it is the right way to do things.  When we grow up and finally found our own families, we take those rules and beliefs with us.

As long as we live in our family of origin, it is imperious to observe the rules existing in this family system. For small children, the mere hint of losing family support is such a huge danger, they wouldn’t dream of breaking any rules. At that age, small children would die after being cast out of the family (not necessarily any more in our society, but this is a deeply rooted instinct). For this reason those family rules are ingrained in our minds. However, it is possible that such rules turn out to be blocks in our later life. In such cases, it is time to hunt them down and to change them.

This is one of those hindering rules that I keep running into:

I must feel bad and low whenever one of my family members is ill and/or suffering, or I won’t be a member of this family.

This sym-pathy – which translates to “suffering with someone” – can take many forms and shapes. It can cause an accurate mirroring of symptoms, or can be seen as headchaches, migraine, depression, running oneself ragged or other problems. This shared suffering is first and foremost a sign of intense loyalty and love, and as such it shouldn’t be damned.

It is critical to recognize this rule first. How does it feel to put on makeup and dress up, to eat well and to get enough sleep while a family member is in the hospital? Is that okay or impossible? How about going to a party? Are you allowed to meet with friends and have a good time while your mother is undergoing chemo? Can you enjoy a vacation or just an afternoon of wellness under those circumstances? Unimaginable?

Like I said, this rule is widespread. Unfortunately, it causes much hardship. We need time out and have to take good care of ourselves so we can take good care of our family members. Our tanks must be filled before we can lift up others.  When we go beyond normal care, following an old family rule and make ourselves ill in full compassion – again, that translates to “suffering with someone” – we weaken ourselves and our whole family. That’s logical, isn’t it? Sadly, family rules rarely follow logic. Thus they cannot be changed via simple logic.

Fortunately, there is EFT. It is the best instrument to change beliefs and family rules. And so I would like to offer you a tapping round that can help you change this particular family rule. Then you can be yourself and in full power the next time a family member needs you.

KP: Even though I learned that I have to suffer myself whenever someone is ill in my family, or I won’t belong, I’m okay the way I am and open to the possiblity that it doesn’t have to be that way.

Even though my parents always did it this way, and suffered horribly when one of them was ill, and I’m still following this rule, I’m okay the way I am and now allow myself to find a different expression for my love.

Even though it’s almost impossible to take good care of myself when I’m also taking care of someone else whom I love, I am okay the way I am and open to the possibility that it makes sense to take good care of myself, too, when I’m working hard to take good care of someone else.

IE: That’s how our family worked.
OE: When one of us felt bad, we all felt bad.
E: Like the musketeers: One for all, all for one.
UN: And that’s how I learned it. We all did it, it must be right.
CP: My mother did it very well, and so did my father.
CB: We always suffered this way!
UA: I still feel horrible if someone feels bad whom I love.
AW: That’s that rule!
Take a deep breath!

IE: That’s how I learned it and that’s what I still do today.
OE: But maybe it is a little silly to do it.
E: I could help much more if I didn’t feel this low and down.
UN: Maybe I can change this com-passion into support.
CP: And let go of suffering.
CB: While keeping the love and empathy.
UA: Showing lots of my love!
AW: And finally being in my power.
Take a deep breath!

IE: I can actually choose:
OE: I can do it differently now and still belong to my family.
E: I’ll be strong, take care of the others and be full of love.
UN: I will still belong, even if I stay strong.
CP: I allow myself to remain strong.
CB: And I allow myself to be able to take care of people by staying strong.
UA: The people I love.
AW: I choose to be strong and still belong!
Take a deep breath!

IE: I allow myself and I choose this:
OE: When others suffer, I’ll remain strong and capable to help them.
E: That does sound logical, too.
UN: I now allow myself to eat well, even if someone I love suffers.
CP: I now allow myself to take good care of myself, even if someone I love suffers.
CB: And I allow myself to be capable of helping them.
UA: That’s much more reasonable. And I’ll still belong!
AW: That’s real love. And it feels good!
Take a deep breath!

Staying strong and remaining capable of help is a much better way to show love than to suffer alongside a loved one. I hope that this tapping round can help you to move in that direction – if it speaks to you.

Unleash Your Power!

*Source: Trondkaare88, Original on Wikimedia Commons

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