One of the most basic laws in the family system is about belonging. It simply says that everyone belongs into a family, entering it either by birth, by becoming a parent, or by marriage. Dissolving the ties to a family is basically impossible and only happens when a member causes the death of another family member in a brutal and planned way. (Abortion does not do it, btw.) In short, this means that:
Everyone who becomes part of a family belongs to it forever.
Yes, that means even the dead ones, even the ones that were driven away, even the ones everyone hates. They all contribute to the family dynamics. This can be both painful and a relief.
It is a huge relief, because most children grow up in the fear of being outcast. I’m sure you can hear the implied threat in the words: “As long as you put your feet under my table …”
It’s a pain if some family members have been driven away for a reason and contact with them is difficult and hurtful.
Even so every family member influences the energy and dynamics of a family system, regardless of distance or emotions. In fact, it often happens that a child connects with one of the members who were driven away – and develops an uncanny likeness in behaviour or dreams. That’s because children especially are very sensitive to the dynamics of a family system and often move to “fill holes”.
That seems rather wild, doesn’t it?
I’ve personally experienced the power of these family dynamics in full constellation work and working with my clients. Knowing about these invisible strings that pull at each one of us is incredibly helpful because the effects of those strings can be influenced and used in a positive way. I use a lot of EFT for that, actually.
For now, however, just ease into the thought that, regardless of what happened, you are a member of your family and are under its influence. Which is a good thing, because you can also influence that dynamic with your own choices and feelings – and you are definitely the only one who can change your way of life.
Here’s some tapping to make the whole idea easier for you:
Even though this is such a weird concept that I have a hard time believing it, I’m okay the way I am, and I now allow myself to see that there are family dynamics at work.
Even though I never quite realized that deep inside I might have been afraid of losing my family and being outcast, I’m still okay the way I am and I now choose to feel relief at knowing I’ll always be a part of my family.
Even though I totally resent the fact that those family members I hate are still supposed to influence me, I’m okay the way I am, and I now choose to know that I am allowed to keep my distance while influencing them, as well.
I’m certain you’ll have questions about this concept. Feel free to post them in a comment below.
Image source: F. Moebius
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PPS: The family laws and rules that I’m explaining in this series can be the root cause for much self-sabotage and suffering. I can help you transform those bounds and set you free to live your dreams. If you’re interested, click HERE and send me an email. We’ll talk on Skype to see how I can best support you in this.