The second family law is about order. Everyone has their true place in a family. The mother cannot change places with the father. The youngest sibling cannot trade places with the oldest. They have different places in a family – and different “jobs”.
Just think about how a first child forges the way. It wrestles every inch of freedom from the parents. Often, it also carries some responsibility for the younger ones. This is a special place in a family, one that nobody else takes.
However, sometimes a child goes missing. Families can get complicated with divorces, half-siblings or even dead children. Often, relationships are unclear, and maybe, some members of a family are forgotten. Yet, as I explained in the first family law, even they belong.
I’ve often seen the amazing peace that clients feel once their position and place in the family becomes clear after we sort through all the relationships and children and include all dead siblings and aborted siblings. Yes, even those belong.
I had one client who is the only surviving child of seven. When we used wooden blocks to represent all those siblings, she almost cried. Suddenly she understood where her feelings of loneliness came from – and she realized that energetically, she wasn’t alone at all.
“So what does that mean for me?” you may ask.
Well, take a good look at your own family. Do you know your place? Do you feel peace knowing where in the family you belong? Then all is well.
However, if there is pressure to conform, a sense of something not being right, you are most likely correct. Then it is time to do some hard research, have some difficult talks and figure out who was pushed aside in your family. It could be an older sibling or a younger one. A stillborn that nobody talks about because your mother was so devastated. A secret abortion. An accident. A love affair that resulted in a child hidden away, or given away in adoption. It’s all possible.
Using family constellation work, it’s easy to see where the “gap” is. I’ve done it several times with clients, and every time, a family system comes through loud and clear. If I cannot work in a group, I use wooden blocks. The way a client arranges those on a board reveals the family dynamics.
Most of all, however, you can now truly own your place in the family. And if you are raising your own family, you should own that place as parent.
I know it all sounds a little weird and also old-fashioned. Yet it pays to be aware of the family order and live in it. Here’s some tapping to make it easier for you.
Even though this sounds so weird, after all, who cares if I’m a second or third child, I’m still okay the way I am, and I now choose to truly own my place in my family.
Even though I dislike being put into place and held to an order I never enjoyed – I hated being the oldest / youngest / middle child – I’m still okay the way I am, and I can now see that it might bring me more peace to take a closer look if my place is really the correct one.
Even though I have a hard time believing that it really matters, I love my family just the way it is, I’m still okay the way I am, and I can now choose to truly own my place and feel secure in it.
I know this is very new and difficult material. If you have any questions, please post them in the comments. I’ll answer as soon as I can.
Image source: F. Moebius
PS: My newsletter contains a full tapping template for the corresponding blog post. You can easily sign up for it by filling in the form on the top right. You will find a “Good Night Tapping Round” as additional gift when you do.
PPS: The family laws and rules that I’m explaining in this series can be the root cause for much self-doubt and suffering. I can help you transform those bounds and set you free to live your dreams. If you’re interested, click HERE and send me an email. We’ll talk on Skype to see how I can best support you in this.
Wonderful insight. And all so very true. One must always be what and where one is supposed to be in the “family”. But we must never ignore those who are not physically with us, for only sadness and emptiness will ensue.
Yes, even those who are no longer with us physically are still part of the family and the dynamics of the system. I’ve truly experienced this many times.
Hey Frauke. Thank you for sharing this valuable information. I never thought of this. As the first born of 5 I felt responsible for their happiness and well being. This is what I want for my young family too. How does knowing your place help you with limiting believes?
we firstborns tend to overdo responsibility. We tend to want to control everything – so that happiness is ensured. Life does not work that way, though. Once we realize this is something we took on because maybe our parents were not taking as much responsibility as they should have, it’s easier to allow others to find their way to happiness and well-being rather than trying to control or provide it for them. It makes life a LOT easier to let go of so much responsibilty. Because in truth, we are only responsible for ourselves – and for our kids for only as long as they need our help.